Hey. My Name’s Tank. What’s Yours?

What’s up Fitz,
I’m writing you this e-mail to let you know a few things:
I run a six-minute mile in waist-deep water. I swim a three-minute mile. I am against slavery. I am against Greenpeace and I am against freedom. I only eat organic food. I am one of the 6.6 billion people on the earth, [...]

Dear you know who you are…

Last night, at the benefit for Darfur, AIDS, and progeria, I swear I saw you kiss that giant African guy.
I can’t blame you.
He was a perfect specimen of manhood- built, silent, but a mean, sex-buster stare under his fantastic eyes.
Still, that doesn’t excuse your behavior. We have to have a talk. People have killed each [...]

In This Blog I Use The Word “Muff”

Dear Editor,
Two hours ago I queried you regarding an essay on the noted author and comedian Steve Martin’s novels. I haven’t heard from you, so thought I might try you again and check the status of my submission. I have submitted this query to 50 other publications, so I would urge you to act fast!
Thank [...]

What’s Up Fitz? This is Tank. Fuck Off.

Hey Fitz,
Remember me? If you don’t recognize my voice then you’re an idiot. But since you are an idiot- it’s Tank. Yeah, Tank, the same guy who you threw your cotton candy at during the fair last week. Fuck off, Fitz.
Fitz, you German bastard. About 15 years ago your people killed a few hundred Jews [...]